Flash to now and after years of not the healthiest relationship with nourishment, with taking things in, with taking in love, I question whether to fast or not. Last year was the first year I did not fast since I was probably around 13. The Jewish guilt rising up in me like acid reflux. I was very conscientious I remember of at least what I was putting in my body knowing that my fellow Jews were not ingesting anything. And I was even more contemplative because I actually has the blood sugar stabilization to reflect. So here it is another year later and yesterday I sat and asked myself am I going to fast this year (also considering the luxury it is to even be able to ask this question)? I talked to my loving partner and I talked with my mother and I checked in with myself and the resounding answer I got was no. So I am not fasting today and I am consciousness that many Jews are in synagogue right now repenting for their sins and I am at home just after a yoga practice (my alternative form of religion). I feel the guilt mucking around in my half digested food in my belly and at the same time there is a slight tingle in my heart with the knowing that I am doing what is best for me and my body (something I have not always listened to).
In reflection of this past year: excuse my language, but it was a hard fucking year. Last year of Graduate School, writing my thesis, internship, a part time job, and trying to maintain a happy relationship. I fell back on old patterns, I used old coping mechanisms, I reverted to a 5 year old too many times to count, I shut people out, all just to get through the year and to not feel the immense amount of stress I was under. 12 months of hell. And I survived. But in reflection today I find that there is a little voice inside me saying you could have done better. You could have been better. You could have been there more for your partner, your friends, your family. So I am not only practicing forgiveness today of those who hurt me in the past year but more so I am practicing forgiveness for and to myself; for those I possibly hurt and the ways in which I hurt myself with my own lack of compassion and self love.
Now finally out of Graduate School, I feel myself coming back to myself in ways that I couldn't in such an intense environment. I am pushing myself every day to stay authentic and honest and truthful. I have a wonderful partner who is supporting me and just allowing myself to be me every moment of the day even if what I need to do is randomly squirm around our apartment or break into a random dance party or speak gibberish because I simply can't put words together. With the Colorado flood happening there is also a tone to the day of focusing on what is really important. I have seen a spilling over of love and support on facebook in terms of supporting one another with basic needs such as food, shelter, and water. I find this is something so easily forgotten in our world of too much external stimulation to truly ask what are the simple things I need just in this moment. Most of the time I find its just a hug and to feel connected to my surroundings. And with that being said, I feel it is time to get off the computer and go reflect and connect with my surroundings. For those who are fasting today I hope it is an easy fast, for those not fasting pat yourself on the back for just taking care of you, and for those who don't even celebrate I hope you have a beautiful Saturday.