Today in the Jewish world is the day of atonement: Yom Kippur. Today is a day where all the Jews are supposed to fast, which includes no drinking, brushing your teeth, no working, no looking in the mirror, no doing dishes, no turning on and off lights. Basically anything considered an external need is taken away so you can come internal to repent over your sins of the past year to be written in the book of health for the next year. It is interesting to look back to my childhood and be jealous of the adults that got to fast and my parents telling me that I couldn't yet. The first year I was given permission to fast I thought it was like a right of passage. O goodie I get to eat no food today! By 4 or 5 in the afternoon every year I would be cranky and whiny and then we would just go back to synagogue for the final service and some how I would make it until sun down and every year the first thing in my mouth was a toasted everything bagel with lox, red onion, and tomato. I don't even eat bagels anymore but just the thought of those memories makes my mouth salivate. And it is not just salivating for the food but for this concept of tradition and home. To know that every year on that day would bring the same events and the same food was a comfort in an unpredictable world.
Flash to now and after years of not the healthiest relationship with nourishment, with taking things in, with taking in love, I question whether to fast or not. Last year was the first year I did not fast since I was probably around 13. The Jewish guilt rising up in me like acid reflux. I was very conscientious I remember of at least what I was putting in my body knowing that my fellow Jews were not ingesting anything. And I was even more contemplative because I actually has the blood sugar stabilization to reflect. So here it is another year later and yesterday I sat and asked myself am I going to fast this year (also considering the luxury it is to even be able to ask this question)? I talked to my loving partner and I talked with my mother and I checked in with myself and the resounding answer I got was no. So I am not fasting today and I am consciousness that many Jews are in synagogue right now repenting for their sins and I am at home just after a yoga practice (my alternative form of religion). I feel the guilt mucking around in my half digested food in my belly and at the same time there is a slight tingle in my heart with the knowing that I am doing what is best for me and my body (something I have not always listened to).
In reflection of this past year: excuse my language, but it was a hard fucking year. Last year of Graduate School, writing my thesis, internship, a part time job, and trying to maintain a happy relationship. I fell back on old patterns, I used old coping mechanisms, I reverted to a 5 year old too many times to count, I shut people out, all just to get through the year and to not feel the immense amount of stress I was under. 12 months of hell. And I survived. But in reflection today I find that there is a little voice inside me saying you could have done better. You could have been better. You could have been there more for your partner, your friends, your family. So I am not only practicing forgiveness today of those who hurt me in the past year but more so I am practicing forgiveness for and to myself; for those I possibly hurt and the ways in which I hurt myself with my own lack of compassion and self love.
Now finally out of Graduate School, I feel myself coming back to myself in ways that I couldn't in such an intense environment. I am pushing myself every day to stay authentic and honest and truthful. I have a wonderful partner who is supporting me and just allowing myself to be me every moment of the day even if what I need to do is randomly squirm around our apartment or break into a random dance party or speak gibberish because I simply can't put words together. With the Colorado flood happening there is also a tone to the day of focusing on what is really important. I have seen a spilling over of love and support on facebook in terms of supporting one another with basic needs such as food, shelter, and water. I find this is something so easily forgotten in our world of too much external stimulation to truly ask what are the simple things I need just in this moment. Most of the time I find its just a hug and to feel connected to my surroundings. And with that being said, I feel it is time to get off the computer and go reflect and connect with my surroundings. For those who are fasting today I hope it is an easy fast, for those not fasting pat yourself on the back for just taking care of you, and for those who don't even celebrate I hope you have a beautiful Saturday.
Flash to now and after years of not the healthiest relationship with nourishment, with taking things in, with taking in love, I question whether to fast or not. Last year was the first year I did not fast since I was probably around 13. The Jewish guilt rising up in me like acid reflux. I was very conscientious I remember of at least what I was putting in my body knowing that my fellow Jews were not ingesting anything. And I was even more contemplative because I actually has the blood sugar stabilization to reflect. So here it is another year later and yesterday I sat and asked myself am I going to fast this year (also considering the luxury it is to even be able to ask this question)? I talked to my loving partner and I talked with my mother and I checked in with myself and the resounding answer I got was no. So I am not fasting today and I am consciousness that many Jews are in synagogue right now repenting for their sins and I am at home just after a yoga practice (my alternative form of religion). I feel the guilt mucking around in my half digested food in my belly and at the same time there is a slight tingle in my heart with the knowing that I am doing what is best for me and my body (something I have not always listened to).
In reflection of this past year: excuse my language, but it was a hard fucking year. Last year of Graduate School, writing my thesis, internship, a part time job, and trying to maintain a happy relationship. I fell back on old patterns, I used old coping mechanisms, I reverted to a 5 year old too many times to count, I shut people out, all just to get through the year and to not feel the immense amount of stress I was under. 12 months of hell. And I survived. But in reflection today I find that there is a little voice inside me saying you could have done better. You could have been better. You could have been there more for your partner, your friends, your family. So I am not only practicing forgiveness today of those who hurt me in the past year but more so I am practicing forgiveness for and to myself; for those I possibly hurt and the ways in which I hurt myself with my own lack of compassion and self love.
Now finally out of Graduate School, I feel myself coming back to myself in ways that I couldn't in such an intense environment. I am pushing myself every day to stay authentic and honest and truthful. I have a wonderful partner who is supporting me and just allowing myself to be me every moment of the day even if what I need to do is randomly squirm around our apartment or break into a random dance party or speak gibberish because I simply can't put words together. With the Colorado flood happening there is also a tone to the day of focusing on what is really important. I have seen a spilling over of love and support on facebook in terms of supporting one another with basic needs such as food, shelter, and water. I find this is something so easily forgotten in our world of too much external stimulation to truly ask what are the simple things I need just in this moment. Most of the time I find its just a hug and to feel connected to my surroundings. And with that being said, I feel it is time to get off the computer and go reflect and connect with my surroundings. For those who are fasting today I hope it is an easy fast, for those not fasting pat yourself on the back for just taking care of you, and for those who don't even celebrate I hope you have a beautiful Saturday.
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